..feeLing liKe a piEce of sHit agAin..
haiz.. nicole nicole nicole.. what is wrong with you.. what happened to the bright and cheery and blur girl that everyone used to make fun off and u always just laughed it off with your friends.. your emotions are gettig stronger and stronger and your tolerance for these emotions seem to be getting weaker and weaker.. will you go nuts one day? will your emotions just take over you one day and you end up in the looney bin? what has become of you?

you used to be much stronger.. you used to be able to control your emotions.. you wouldn't cry in front of others.. well.. at least not in front of just anyone.. only your close friends.. and when you really couldn't take it anymore.. you'd keep it all to yourself til the wee hours of the night.. concealed behind the walls of you're bedroom.. with only your pillow.. blanket.. and softtoys your witnesses to your tears.. now.. u cry at the slightest of things.. like as if crying would solve everything.. why have you become such a cry baby? how will u survive in life like that? your tears will get you nowhere..

you have such low self confidence.. you think so poorly of yourself.. you don't give yourself the respect you deserve.. you keep comparing yourself to others.. but the thing is.. you always compare yourself in such a way that you are the lousier one.. the loser.. you never think of yourself as the better person.. you always think that everyone is so much better than you.. which makes you feel even worse.. you are never happy to be the person you are.. you always want to be like others.. want to have what they have.. but how bout the person you really are? so what if someone is smarter or prettier than you are? does that necessarily make you the stupid and ugly one.. does that mean that u are some small bug as compared to the other person.. do you not deserve a chance? are you not worthy to be everybody else's friend just because of that?

i don't know why i've become like this.. i hate the person i am now.. i want to be stronger.. i want to be more optimistic.. i want to happy and be proud of myself.. i hate it when i start getting all emotional and all hell breaks loose.. i start thinking of the the worst possible scenerios.. i get all upset and sad.. i in turn make other people feel sad.. wad the heck man.. why am i such a loser.. all i know is to cry cry and cry.. like some useless baby.. i wish i knew why i'm becoming like this.. sometimes i wish i was heartless rather than over emotional.. even if i can't feel happiness.. i won't feel sad and pain either.. it's tiring to get all upset over and over again.. especially when there's no end to it.. i always end up crying to my pillow and and blanket.. crying is like a hobby for me.. i see my tears so often that i can actually call them my best friends.. they've gotten me through many things.. haiz.. i don't know what to do with myself..

i think i started to crumble last year.. all though i may not admit.. i think zp played a very big part in my life last year.. i may say that i'm totally over it.. i dun give a f*** about him.. but deep down inside.. i have scars which remain and are left endebbed deep inside.. ever since the relationship took a turn for the worse.. i got all upset and sad.. i went to school with swollen eyes and cried in class.. i couldn't pay attention in class.. had no appetite.. my friends worried about me.. i looked pale.. i had the sick feeling that he didn't want me anymore.. but i couldn't do anything about it.. everytime i tried to get closer.. he would push me away.. it got to the point that i realised that it wasn't because he was tired.. he was avoiding me.. he even wanted to go out with his ex behind my back.. i think he turned my life upside down.. the worst part.. after it was over.. he didn't give a shit about me after that.. which is so different from how he treats his other girlfriends.. in front of me.. he would always go over and talk to his ex's.. sometimes disturbing them.. at least he'd give a smile or wave to them.. acknowledge their existence.. as for me.. i was invisible.. looking at me was like looking through a window.. transparent.. what was i? just some joy ride? what did he take me for? a temporary girl friend? i thought you had changed.. you weren't the playboy and flirt that u were so well known to be.. but i thought wrong.. u reverted back to your ways.. leaving me behind all alone in your wrath.. maybe he didn't really have any feelings for me in the first place.. maybe it was all in pretence so he could have a gf.. maybe he felt some sense of achievement in it.. what can i say? i was the pawn in his game.. i took a deep fall.. and though i did manage to climb back up.. i never managed to recover from the injuries i sustained during the fall.. now i seem to be falling deeper and deeper each time..

i have gotten over you.. but i've never gotten over the pain u put me through..

now i seem to be bringing pain to someone else whenever i feel sad.. danny.. i'm so so so so so so so so so so sorry for everything i've put you through.. all my tantrums.. my moodswings.. my over emotions.. my unreasonableness.. my being selfish.. my only thinking of myself and not for you.. i always end up making you sad.. no matter how hard i try.. somehow someway.. i always manage to do something stupid and mess up.. i know i have habits you don't like.. i behave more like a guy sometimes.. i know this doesn't leave a good impression on ur friends.. but that's just the way i grew up.. i mixed with the guys during secondary school.. i was a tomboy with short hair when i was in primary school.. i live with my dad.. i don't get tips on how to behave like a girl from him.. i act like a guy to be stronger.. to cover the weak and vulnerable me.. i look at the girls that surround you.. they are so much more prettier and successful than me.. they are more mature.. unlike me so childish.. they do the things you like to do like playing billiards.. going to ktv.. going to discos/clubs to drink.. they can stay out til the wee hours of the nite.. they can provide for themselves.. everything that i am not.. i hope to be the better girlfriend that you deserve.. i hope to be happy and cheerful.. i hope to be confident.. i hope to be the better person when i compare myself to others.. i hope to rid all the sadness in my life.. i hope i won't lose you..

i love you.. but i seem to keep on hurting you..

i hope one day.. i will move on from this episode i am going through.. i will be a much much stronger person who doesn't have a care in the world.. i will carve my own destiny.. i will be successful.. i will have all the happiness i could ever want.. i will be myself.. and i will love myself..