this is not a good week for me..

been all emo and mood swingy.. especially coz it's that time of the month (fortnight).. alot of things are getting on my nerves.. sometimes you just want to cry.. not sad tears.. but angry tears..

i hate it when i'm blamed for stuff i don't know about..

i can't help it if my friends happen to ask me out first.. what do you expect me to do when i've already agreed..? just pang-seh them? especially when i hardly ever get to see them.. am i wrong to want to go out with them? they are my best/good friends since secondary school..

it's always like that.. we don't arrange to go out.. it's always last minute stuff.. like on that day or night you ask if i want to go out or meet up.. and when i happen to not be free you get upset.. but what can i do.. how would i have known? since apparently you're busy or if you have to work.. you can't possibly spend time with me so i go and find my own programme.. and when i do.. and i can't go out with you.. it's my fault..

sometimes after school.. friends ask me if i'm going out with you.. and i say i dunno because you never showed any intentions of going out on that day.. probably not bacause you haven't brought an extra helmet out.. then my friends will go.. howcome? since you have a girlfriend.. why don't you bring it out? or if not why don't i hold on to it instead and bring it to school myself if it's too troublesome for you.. so even if we don't arrange we can still go out either ways.. and then i have no answer for them.. because i myself do not have an answer.. sometimes i wonder why too.. howcome you don't.. you do not want to meet me after school..? if either one of us ends school late or we have something else on after school then fine i understand.. but what about other times when we finish earlier and are both free after school..? i know i shouldn't compare.. but why is it that other couples.. the guy will carry two helmets around.. because he'll be meeting his gf later on? maybe it's because of your lappy that's why it's too troublesome to bring it along.. i don't know.. maybe i'm making a fuss out of nothing..

like about the 23rd.. first time u got upset.. u used an angry tone to talk to me on the phone.. but you didn't even explain why.. then u had a second line so we had to end the call.. i guess you'd be calling back much later since you're sis is using the phone.. then i have a conference with my sec sch friends.. friends i haven't seen for months.. just a call to catch up.. especially when one just broke up with his gf and is still feeling pretty down.. so you call back and i tell you i'm on the phone with my sec sch frens.. so we sms instead.. then you ask me if i'm still on the phone and i say yea.. then you go on and say is it that important and to forget about talking on the phone with you.. i'm like.. wtf? what the hell are you getting angry about? i can't even talk to my friends on the phone.. when you can't use the phone i have to hang up and when you want to talk again then i must be there all ready and free to talk to you.. i think forget it.. i won't even bother replying you.. then when i don't reply.. you reveal why you were angry.. coz you had something planned for the 23rd..

then on friday it happens again.. you read from my blog about the 23rd.. and suddenly you're so cold towards me.. you do not hold my hand or talk to me.. like as if we're strangers.. all the way from your place to plaza singapura.. all i can do..? be like some dumb dumb and just keep quiet.. like i'm being thrown to one side.. and the thing was.. while we were at your place.. i was upset.. upset over that stupid comment made on my tag board.. but you didn't even notice.. you were busy being cold while i was feeling lousy and down.. when i need you.. someone to cheer me up.. someone to reassure me.. there you are.. not talking to me.. just ignoring me.. i felt so horrible.. one i'm already upset.. two you are treating me like i'm invisible and i don't even know why.. which made me feel even worse.. i thought i was being paranoid at first.. but all the way to ps it was still like that.. i felt so much like crying.. then i couldn't take it.. so i gathered up the courage to ask you if i had done something to upset you or make you angry.. you simply just shake your head and not even looking at me further ignore me.. i was damn upset by this time.. trying hard to blink back tears.. when we do get into the theathre.. you ask me again.. can i not go on the 23rd.. why is this happening again? why are you asking again? then you say that you were angry at me about me.. ... .... .... .... no comments..

you wanted to keep it a suprise.. so you didn't say anything about it.. but do you expect me to always be free for you.. i really can't help it that i have something else on on that day.. you could have asked me if i wanted to go out on that day and bluffed me about why like maybe you wanted to watch a show or something.. since you wanted to keep it a secret.. or just simply say you wanted to go out.. but you only tell me when you find out that i already have plans on that day.. what can i do??

you don't want me to club so much.. so i can spend more time with you.. you say i keep going out and don not have time for you.. but i must ask you.. if that's the case.. why is it that when both of us are free you don't want to meet up..? like certain times after school.. both of us end up going home coz we have nothing to do.. perfect time to meet up right..?? but no.. it doesn't happen.. isn't this a lil contradicting? sometimes i just don't understand.. .. ..

another thing.. i really find it irritating when a person asks you to go over to their place to keep you company but you end up falling asleep.. it used to happen all the time with a previous ex.. the first few times i could handle it.. i am understanding enough to accept it.. i'd be like.. oh.. he's just tired.. let him rest.. but one time too many.. it's really infuriating.. we quarrelled almost everytime it happened.. and the quarrels were big hours long ones.. not short small lil bickering.. which is why i am intolerent to this kinda thing.. guess it's just an after-effect.. coz i feel.. i specially come all the way to keep you company.. but you fall asleep.. what is this? am i not important enough.. am i too boring..?? if you are really that tired.. why still ask me over?

so i just want to say sorry i got upset that time.. coz it used to bug me alot before.. and i was thinking about you saying that we do not get to spend much time together.. so here i am right next to you spending time with you and you go one and fall asleep.. what the heck..? i really didn't mean to get upset over such a small thing.. i should have been more understanding.. sorry..

and like today.. i was abit emo after work.. coz i was thinking.. i'm free after work and you're also free.. and since it's the holidays and there's no school.. we can meet up.. but instead you told me to go home early.. you weren't even going to send me home.. so i was kinda disappointed.. but later on you said you were not feeling well.. i guess that's the reason why you didn' want to meet up.. i was thinking too much.. felt bad after that.. haiz.. i'm such a stupid person.. ...

i guess this post is just a chance for me to let out some of the emotions i've been keeping the past few days.. especially when we've been getting upset over each other every now and then over the past 1-2 months over small things.. i guess i must have sounded angry in some parts and selfish in others.. but that's just how i felt at the time.. i admit.. i'm not perfect.. i have my flaws.. but i'm trying really hard to be the best i can and to do things correctly.. and once things go wrong.. i start to crumble and get all insecure and over-emotional.. coz i try so hard to keep things perfect but no matter how hard i try i can't seem to..

arghs.. don't know what's wrong with me.. i'm not even in the mood to do my e-learning homework.. which is already overdue anyway.. i'll just stop here.. i'm emotionally drained..

think i need to do some self reflection..

to him : i hope this helps you to understand abit of why i've been acting the way i've been the past few days.. sorry i've been so emo.. =(