since you want to talk about security..

how secure did you think i felt when you were feeling down when i was away and of all people you wanted to look for HER to talk to.. and i only found out about it from your blog.. not you..

how secure was i when you were willing and wanted to go overseas for a few days with your friend and two other girls whom you did not know at all..

maybe i just shouldn't have friends at all..
i should just be a loner who stays at home all day..
even when i finally get a break from school..

i admit..
i may have gone too far by hanging out with the country manna guys so often this week..
and for that i apologize; i am sorry..
but all i wanted was to have company during the weekdays..
the days when i don' have you..

already during my last semester of school..
i felt so lonely..
almost everyday i went home straight after school..
i had nowhere to go..
nothing to do..
nobody to hang out with..

yes, there was winnie..
but she had her own life too..
you know how loser i felt after school..
i'd envy my friends who had boyfriends to meet, friends to hang out with, etc etc after school..
my social life died..
the only thing i had to keep me company was work..

i tried to get in touch with my old friends..

the girls..
either they are always so busy and say that they'll call you out when they're free which they never do..
or some just forget about plans you made with them..
some just change..
it's sad..
someone whom you were once best friends with..
whenever you try to have a conversation with her.. she seems so uninterested..
if not she just stops replying..
you are always doing the talking.. asking the questions..

the guys..
the sex which most of my best friends are..
they are either in ns..
or just too busy with their girlfriends..

yes..
i do occassionally get to hang out with some of them..
and when i say occassionally i mean once in a blue moon..
i haven't seen or met most of them for months and months..
and some even more than a year..

i can't help it that i'm an extrovert..
i have to go out.. i have to talk to people.. i have to socialize..
i can't stay at home everyday just facing the computer/tv/books/(insert-anything-non-living)..

i never meant to make you insecure..
i assure you that i am not doing anything that is questionable..
if you know me well enough.. you should know i am not a flirt..
rather i am unfortunately a tomboy..
i'd just wished that you'd understand..
understand why i hang out with them so much..

maybe it's because they always happen to be the free-est among my friends..
maybe it's because i spent so much time at work resulting in us having stronger friendships..
maybe it's beacuse we can relate better.. (somehow we all have complicated backgrounds)

i'm sorry..
i just want a cure for my lonelyness..